Once Upon A Hockey Night In Canada

Intro to Concussion Blog – Once Upon A Hockey Night In Canada from Ryan Roberts on Vimeo.

I started writing this thinking that I wanted to help others, which I do. However, after the first 3 hours, I realized that this was cathartic for me…so oddly this may be a selfish project, I suppose. This started as a quick blog…but as I started typing I realized that I have gone through a lot of physical and emotional challenges and many modalities to address these challenges. This post will evolve as I add more info regarding the modalities that I have tried.

I have set this post up as a quick synopsis of what happened on that hockey night in Canada, the night that drastically impacted my path in life. The subsequent 4 years I have pursued optimal health. I have discovered a lot about the body, mind and a great deal of self-awareness all through experimentation and $200,000+ financial investment in my recovery. It has been the most challenging 4 years of my life with far more downs than I can count, however, along the way there have been moments of great joy and hope.

Please note that my intent is that this will not only assist someone who is struggling with post-concussion symptoms but also those who have chronic pain and those looking for high performance in both mind and body.

A friend recently told me that I “look so healthy and strong, it’s hard to believe just how hard this is on you”, she then asked, “what would you have done if you didn’t have the money to invest in your health?”

I simply replied:  I would likely be dead or someone lost outside of the social net – living on the street in agony and deep depression.

This is not an attempt to add any drama. I cannot explain how dark and overwhelming some days have been. In fact, it’s hard for me to remember just how bad my symptoms were

Despite the challenges, I have learned a lot about myself, human suffering, chronic pain and how deeply I wish to serve those in need. This has, without a doubt, changed my life and given me insights that effect and affect my daily life and how I interact with those around me. I now have a great deal more empathy for those in emotional and physical difficulties.

So here it starts should you chose to join me on what started Once Upon A Hockey Night In Canada….

January 2015 started off pretty well. I had just returned from a week in Mexico. Hot sun, sand, water. Pretty idyllic trip in many ways. This story begins two days after my return from Mexico on January 9th, 2015. One incident that had a massive impact on my life.

I had come out of “retirement” from men’s hockey after 5 years. For a number of years, I had missed the camaraderie with my friends that I grew up playing hockey with. I committed to sharing the goal crease for half of the season to allow me the time to pursue another passion, skiing. Many Thursday and Friday nights saw me heading up to Collingwood for a few turns on the hills. Just a handful of games back from this loosely termed “retirement”, we were up 4-0, eight minutes into the game when I was hit by an opposing forward as he cut across my goal crease. I can remember it all, vividly. His hip, shoulder and elbow hitting me square on the left side of my head as I was in the butterfly position (down on my knees). Next thing I knew I was knocked over and rolling on the ice then ending up face down on the ice. I was conscious however, I felt like I was stunned and couldn’t move for a few moments, in the animal kingdom this would be called the state of “freeze”.

Hockey Concussion Jan 9, 2015 UCC from Ryan Roberts on Vimeo.

It’s incredible that anyone was watching men’s hockey on a Friday night, let alone filming the incident. By happen chance I was sent this video by a friend who knew someone on the opposing team.

I have no idea how long I was on the ice – maybe 30 seconds or minutes? I remember being in shock, wondering if I could move. I do remember my teammates asking if I was okay as they stood over me. I began moving, realizing that my body parts were still connected. I got up and knew I felt a little off, a little dizzy. The adrenalin was pumping and so was my competitive spirit. I stayed on to play a few more minutes, however, I was bumped by the opposition twice more. I left the game. I was a little foggy and there was a pressure, pulsing discomfort in my head, I figured I had a concussion. But I had been here before, I had no reason to think that this would last more than a day. Over the following 48 hours, I begin to realize how much of an impact I had received. The pain and discomfort began to increase. To the point of inescapable, excruciating pain.

This is the beginning of what has been more than 4 years of recovery. I hope to document my trials with post-concussion syndrome. I will touch on some of the challenges I faced in the traditional medical world and the hurdles I have overcome along the way as I navigated alternative health options. You name it I have likely tried it. This has been an incredible journey of self-knowledge, biohacking, lifestyle changes and mindfulness. One of the many things that I am incredibly grateful for is developing a greater appreciation for those who have walked with me through the hard times – those who have lent me an ear for countless hours, letting me know that I am not alone.

What I want to highlight as early as I can, is that after sorting out much of the concussion injury my biggest issue has been a spine injury.  The ongoing “concussion symptoms”, as I learned over time, is a result of a spine injury to the Cervical (C spine) and Thoracic (T spine). As it turns out many people suffering from post-concussion syndrome have a spine misalignment. I read early on that whiplash and/or spine injuries are a very common fall-out from the impact causing a concussion. Thankfully the health and medical world are beginning to understand concussions more and more. I remember being told early on that I was fortunate that I did not break my neck. It took nearly 2 years and dozens of therapy trials to figure out that I had a spine injury – thankfully I now had information so that I could get to fixing this ailment.

I felt very alone for the beginning of this journey. I was physically alone. I was sleeping on sofa cushions on the floor of my closet – I had light blocking eye covers and earplugs in. I did all of this to avoid as much ambient light and noise as possible – the sensory overload was debilitating.

I discovered early on that no medical professionals (GPs and Sports MDs) seemed to have the answers. I was brought up to expect that they have the answers and/or they could problem solve to find a solution to physical ailments. My GP (whom I respect deeply) did all that he could but in fairness and honesty, he said that he didn’t specialize in head injuries – he then helped point me to the “leaders in the field”. One such Sports MD I met with said I was “well within the healthy range” of the concussion testing!?! This last one drove me bonkers, how could I be in excruciating pain, not sleeping, hypersensitive to all stimuli and falling backwards when I closed my eyes? This particular Sports doc did not like my questioning his diagnosis (flag: beware of defensive practitioners, this type of response is not going to serve your recovery).  It is important to find people and practitioners who are growth-minded and open to options with your best interest at heart! I knew full well that I was not in a healthy range, this post-concussion version of myself simply wasn’t me. I felt like the antithesis of who I had been: the social, active, athletic, capable guy and hard working guy. This MD offered pain killers and sleeping pills and suggested inactivity and rest. I knew that this was not the answer. I had already been doing what he suggested. This was at 3 or 4 months into the symptoms – I was far from healthy, my life was a mess. I wanted to die. I could not escape the excruciating pain.

I took it upon myself to pursue how to best handle my post-concussion recovery. I took my entrepreneurial, determined personality and focused on taking full ownership of my recovery.

As the days turned to months and years I felt many of my past injuries in my body, big and small older and newer. This is supposedly normal. Our bodies hold onto past pains – our bodies can store these pains and there is a type of learned accommodation which can lead to further imbalances and new chronic pains. The concussion/spine injury can bring these old ailments to the surface.

As I lay in bed for the months I began to count the “concussions” I had had. Originally I could think of 3 minor concussions (detail to follow). By the end of 6 months of excruciating pain, I counted over 23! Before you go thinking that I was some wreckless athlete in a high impact sport… let me share something that I learned – you can get a concussion without hitting your head. It’s possible to be hit on your leg or simply jarred – this impact of may cause your head to move and your brain to then impact the inside of your skull – just think how little space there is between the brain and skull.  Have you ever seen stars in your vision after being hit or after slipping and falling? This starry vision is considered a form of a concussion to some specialists in the field. Yes, this may be small but it nonetheless can injury neurons in your brain.

My deepest hope and prayer in writing this is that I have consolidated enough information to give you or anyone you know some helpful direction in how to recover from a concussion and/or chronic pains. At the very least this may shed some light on a healthier lifestyle – I have learned through deep pain that it is far easier to maintain your health than to recover from dis-ease, injury and inactivity/sedentary lifestyles. Our bodies are so incredibly strong and capable, yet fragile. Once you touch this fragility you discover how monumental the task of recovery can be.

Much of the traditional approaches within the MD world are very much behind the times. The Western medical world is built on “proven” approaches – many doctors are not armed with the necessary information – many, despite their desire to help are in dark ages when it comes to concussions and traumatic brain injuries (TBI). Thankfully, in recent years this has begun to change with concussion awareness – particularly through former professional athletes.

What I have discovered to be particularly helpful is not easily found without a lot of research and tracking down some of the finest practitioners in North America. I felt like I was exploring the vast expanse of the medical and health wilderness without a path or guide to show me the way. There were some key influencers along the way that helped at certain stages – to whom I am eternally grateful.

I want to be clear that I did not have $200,000+ sitting around, as we all know that kind of money doesn’t grow on trees! However, I knew that I would have to pay out of pocket in order to get alternative advice, insights, therapies. Did I have any idea that I would be spending this amount? Absolutely not, the number still shocks me (and it continues to grow)!  What I have ultimately learned is that a small fraction of that cost (maybe $30K) would probably have been enough to address the most acute issues I faced. I obviously can’t know for sure but the greatest improvements along the way involved a select few modalities and lifestyle changes.

I’m going to detail all of the steps (future post updates) I took along the way… as a close friend of mine frequently says, “Eat the meat and set aside the bone”.  In other words, take what you want and leave aside that which doesn’t serve you on your journey. Some of this may resonate with you, it may work for you and for some it may not. I can assure you that this will, at the very least, get you thinking about the many options that exist. Add some determination and hope and you will find that improvements will be felt. I cannot stress this enough, what worked for me may or may not work for you. Some of these modalities helped for different stages then it was on to deeper learnings. Only you can know whether something is helping or not. Listen to your body. Your body never lies! Learn to trust your intuition and open to discovering patience you never knew you had as your journey through your healing and growth. The sooner you can let go of silver bullet fantasies the better. You need to be real with yourself. Accept where you are today and focus on where and what you wish to become. Accept that we are all different, that our needs are specific to us – these cannot be projected onto others.

The last 4+ years of my life can best be described as a massive lesson in patience and perseverance. Despite the darkest of days when all I wanted was to die, to be relieved of the excruciating pain (I considered it a good day when I had a migraine) this is something that no one can truly understand unless you have struggled with a concussion or other brain injury – I now have a sense of what it is like for professional athletes who suffer from Traumatic Brain Injuries (TBI) and those who have survived car accidents and the list goes on.

This period of my life has been incredibly lonely. I spent much of the first two years in bed by 6pm. Needless to say, I have had no social life, I missed my friends. I have missed normality, the many things we take for granted in life. I missed working at my previous full capacity. I missed my active lifestyle, I missed bright, sunny days. I was unable to sleep well, my cortisol levels through the night were that of daytime levels – it’s no wonder sleep wouldn’t come. It’s incredibly hard to recover when you cannot sleep or rest. I would be awake for 3-5 hours a night – spiralling in my head. The darkness I felt through those days is very hard to explain to anyone who has not been through the kiln of depression.

I cannot tell you how many people said, “Ryan, just smile, think positively”. I know that their hearts were in a good place, but this was not a sadness that I was experiencing, this was my brain misfiring. This was caused by faulty signals in my brain. When people said this to me I would think that maybe this feeling of panic, pain, depression, etc were just in my head, that maybe I was a crazy person who couldn’t function like a “normal person”. Had I had I gone so far down a rabbit hole that I don’t know where or who the heck I had become? I desperately tried to see the bright side of life, the hope, to feel gratitude for what I have. I prayed that I could just turn that frown upside down and get back to living my life again. But, the pain did not subside on its own. It required more – it required a determined effort to explore healing.

Strangely, after 9 months, I developed a deep throat poke. Which has remained as one of the more frustrating and at time debilitating aspects? Presumably, the soft tissue related to the C-spine and pecs/biceps had caused this (But, no one has been able to explain). This has been a head-scratcher. How after 9 months did this come about? It goes to show you that everyone has their own experiences and path to walk. Mine is uniquely different than the next.

I want to go back to overview the 3, what I considered relatively minor concussions in my past:

1. Hit while playing goal in hockey when I was 18 years old. I had light sensitivity lasted for about 24 hours and slight nausea.
2. Late-night Rugby tackling on the High Street in Wimbledon Village, England. I walked home from the pub with a couple of friends. We thought it would be a great idea to tackle one another. I got kneed near my temple. Again, not a major issues just a wicked bruise and dizziness for the day. (side note, that tenderness/bruised feeling lasted 13 years – rolfing released the fascia – more to come)
3. A ski accident on boxing day in 2013.

This skiing accident was a memory that came back to me many times as I burrowed down into the concussion rabbit hole. I learned that if you have not fully recovered from a previous concussion the next one will have a greater impact. Now, to be clear, I didn’t have a noticeable issue beyond a night of discomfort post ski accident, however, I suspect there was more going on in the brain that I was unaware of. Our bodies are very resilient, we find a way to compensate naturally.  If you do not rebuild the neuropathways in the brain (more about this in future updates) you will be more susceptible to another concussion as the brain does not know where it is in space. The brain cannot adjust and compensate from the impact as it did before. This could be a minute difference in spatial awareness – this potentially small difference may be enough to cause far more damage. Either way, if the brain does not have the same reaction awareness it will not activate the necessary muscles and actions to brace itself during or after the impact. The unfortunate part is that this second impact can end up doing more damage as the brain was not acting under its previous capacity. This, along with compounding other adaptations in the body and mind, the additional concussion can be harder to deal with or have a seemingly compounding effect of symptoms.

This injury has given me great insight into what professional athletes, amateurs, special forces through to someone who slipped in their bathroom may be experiencing. There are some athletes that have extreme issues, I can only say that I have a slight glimpse into their lives. It is no wonder there are so many pharmaceutical, opioid and alcohol addictions in those who have experienced a TBI. I am thankful that I do not live in that pain any longer.

The impact on one’s life is so incredibly hard to explain to anyone who has not had a severe concussion. As I’ve stated its hard to recall just how difficult some days were. One of the great gifts of being human is what I now call “selective amnesia”. I can only guess that it’s much like a woman who has given birth, the full pain of delivery is forgotten over time, to some extent. I wonder if my experiences really were as I have written. I wonder at times if this all happened. If I made it up when reflecting back on my life. But I literally have the grey hair and continued struggles to know that yes, this all happened. It’s a ridiculous thought but this has been an incredibly hard 4+ years of my life. Where did the time go? Who am I now? I continue to discover more about myself.

The nagging sense I have as I write this down is that my experience was worse than I have been able to articulate here.

My Symptoms In More Detail:

Back in January 2015, I couldn’t find much helpful guidance or assistance. I had to dig and dig and dig to find helpful treatments and insights about post-concussion-syndrome. Fortunately, there is more to go on now. I hope that in time this post will provide some guidance to those in need.

Not all concussions are the same. A good explanation of the 6 types of concussions can be found  here

I share these as it has been hard to get an agreement or understanding of these so perhaps it will land for you or for someone you know – an affirmation of sorts to what is happening in your body.

Stabbing pain in my left eyeball, brain, neck and spine. Excruciating pain is the only way I can describe this. A level of pain I did not know was possible – unrelenting. My back hurt so much, picture Monty Burns from the Simpsons hunched over. This was me each time I stood up. It would take me a couple of minutes to stand upright after getting up from a seated position or lying down – it was an incredible struggle to stand up, straight – it’s actually taken me 4 years to get my height back. No kidding. The imbalances and compensation in the spine had me learning to one side, forward and twisted.  

Intense sweating, anxiety, crying for hours, I couldn’t handle light of any sort, no noise could be tolerated – at one point sleeping on my sofa cushions on the floor of my closet with earplugs and eye mask – desperate for darkness and absolute quiet.  My heart would pound and race out of my chest – losing my breath.

In bed 24 hours a day of which I was sleeping 20 hours this latest for an entire month. I had already planned a surgical repair of my partially torn Labrum (likely from rock climbing over the years) after many Medical Doctor inquiries I went ahead with the surgery. Interestingly it was a reset button on my system. I felt better within days of the surgery. Perhaps it was the anti-inflammatories? However it was short-lived, I slipped downward again after 4-6 weeks.

I have terrible BO (yup, that’s right, body odour, like a skunk, not at all my natural aroma!), skin breakouts, developed very poor sleep, upset stomach. I wanted to die for a couple of months that first summer – every day was a monumental effort to survive the pain.  

There were a handful of health-related modalities that made a big difference for my recovery. I am sure that each and everything I did as I stepped towards optimal health helped in aspects. But there are a select few that worked very well for me. Keep in mind that everyone is different. What worked for me may not work for you. Thus I have detailed as much as I can recall in case you can plug-and-play another treatment that suits your needs. It’s a little bit like a Rubix Cube when the colours are all mixed up it can look daunting, however, there are a number of approaches to match the colours. It takes time, multiple approaches and a massive amount of patience and trusting others and your intuition.

In general, I am a person who is curious, I love learning and growing. This is arguably the biggest growth period of my life. I have never been one to be painted into a corner with nowhere to go, so to speak. I believe there is always a creative solution. I have always had a deeper sense of optimism and hope, admittedly it was hard to feel these on certain days. Despite the hard times along the way I have been determined to find answers in pursuit of my health.

TAKE CHARGE – BE YOUR OWN HEALTH QUARTERBACK

Top Do’s That Helped Me:

Note: You need to see a medical doctor to get whatever scans (like CAT Scan, etc) you can and any advice and/or aid to assist in your recovery – this may rule out or flag other issues connected to the injury.

1. Do surround yourself with supportive, empathetic people whether that be family, friends, colleagues. You need to ask for help.
2. Do reach out to “The Doctors of Concussions” as I call this field of practice – Functional Neurologists (they are Chiropractors with specific neurological training, unfortunately, they cannot call themselves Functional Neurologists in Ontario as one needs to be an MD to use the word “Neurologist” in their title…but Daniel and Glen (details to come in future updates) changed my life! Our brains are ‘plastic’, it is essential to rebuilding your neuropathways! Basically, your body is dumb, the brain controls everything – heal the brain the body follows.
3. Do adjust your diet! Top line insights: no caffeine, no alcohol, no processed sugar, no gluten period (ideally no grains), no dairy. Yes to: organic fruit and veg, wild game, lots of high-quality organic fats (brains feed off of fat – avocados, extra virgin olive oil, organic Walnuts, Almonds, Cashews, Coconut oil, etc)
4. Do – NUCCA Chiropractor – Focused on setting the C-spine which ultimately aligns the whole spine.
5. Do – Movement training/therapy. Our bodies are designed to move. You cannot stop – if you do it will only be harder to move in time – this is not to suggest pushing yourself too hard but it is to say if you need to put on sunglasses, a baseball hat and ear plugs to walk around the block, do it! Even if you only go halfway, it’s something your body needs to heal. Even better, get into nature, it heals. Movement training is based on kinesthetic movement (picture babies and toddlers) and learning to train your nervous system. The idea of no pain no gain is a notion from the dark ages. Your body should not have pain if it does listen! Your body is trying to get you to pay attention to it, to heal.
6. Do – Osteopath – For the life of me, I cannot understand what they do!  Find one that has a profound effect on you – it is possible to feel like a different person after a session. It is possible to heal a great deal. Oh man, I wish I could explain this…other than to say that it can be profound.
7. Do – Psychological work something like Psychotherapy – a professional to talk to. Someone who has no bias but your health (mental and physical). Some days were pretty desperate and dark. Thankfully this helped a great deal.
8. Do – Mindfulness & Meditation – Whether you are still or moving, be aware of where you are, be aware of your breath. If you struggle to meditate I would suggest either seeking guided meditation in a community or on your own with an app. At the very least take 10 slow breaths through your nose and slowly exhale, it can help reset your nervous system. Make a sound in the back of your throat can help as well (like the sound “OM”) as it triggers the vagus nerve which allows your body to flip into a parasympathetic healing state.

Positives Learned Along The Way:

Deeper Friendships – There are a number of friends who really stood by me. Because of the deep reflection provided during my injury I have much deeper friendships than I had before my injury. Going through trying times gives you a perspective on life. A perspective shift.  Connecting deeply with friends is essential to my health and well being.

Self Awareness – Deeper knowledge of myself. Of what I want and need in my life. This is both emotionally and physically speaking.

Career Highs – Despite all of the pain and challenges over the last 4 years, it has been the best 4 years of my business. Learning to prioritize as an entrepreneur has incredible benefits. I think I could write a book on efficiencies, effectiveness of effort and how positive, open communication with others can exponentially improve the quality, enjoyment and income within your career.

Body Strength – I’ve learned that our bodies are so very strong and capable yet incredibly fragile. We must take care of our body, it is our ‘home”, so to speak. If we let our home go into disrepair then the damage can be far more invasive than if we were to have maintained our home along the way. It takes far more effort to recover than it does to maintain health. Listen to your body, it’s much wiser than you realize.

Today…

I am still in the midst of my story. I am far healthier than I was even 3 months ago, let alone the first few years post-concussion! I don’t know what my future looks like but I do know that I hold hope that I will continue to heal and grow.

This has taken a great deal of vulnerability to write. I’m a private in certain aspects of my life. I do not know how this will land for others. This is a snippet of my story – there are chapters yet to be written. I can only hope and pray that this helps someone on their journey to health. If it does benefit someone than I am eternally grateful to have made a small difference.

I will be adding more content surrounding the many modalities that I have tried. My financial investment and beta testing can hopefully save others a lot of time, pain, anguish and money. It will take time so please watch this space.

Big Thanks & Eternal Gratitude to Those Who Walked With Me At Different Stages Along the Way:

To everyone who said I should write about my experiences: Liz & Jim, Ken (I miss you deeply), Dan, Nat, Graham, Sasha, Ashley, Valerie, Kristi, Daniel (AKA: 3D Laser Light Show), Glen (Z), Sam, Joy (ous), Doc O’Connor, Erin & Oren, Erin, Zoe, Andre, Mischa and the many people who mentioned something in passing when I shared elements of my story with them.  Whether that was to write a blog, a book or start a podcast. Thank you for walking with me.

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